The J word

  There are many J words: feeling jealous (of friends’ success), being   jaded (of the publishing industry), constant jeering (of others). The J word that’s been on my mind has been judgment.  

 It usually begins with others’ judgments of you. Who you are, what you write, what you do. Then there are those moments of judgment – “Why do you laugh so much? It’s like you are trying to attract attention.” or “Why do you waste your evenings writing when you could be spending time with your mother? It’s not like you are published or anything.”

Judgment, when it comes from a trusted source, begins a chain reaction like no other. There’ the initial surprise: What! Really, do you mean that!? Followed by outright denial: No, I don’t do that. I don’t waste my time. And then anger: How dare she think of me like that? How dare she judge me? That leads to hurt: Does she not understand me? Is she right? Am I a horrible person who hides behind my writing? The most important effect of others’ judgment of you is how you start to see yourself. How it shapes your view of yourself. You begin to wonder who you really are and whether you’ve been deluding yourself all this time. Maybe you aren’t cut out to be a writer. Maybe the evenings you sit in front of your laptop are just an excuse to escape from the world and your real responsibilities.

But then you remember that you love those hours where it’s just you and your characters. That you’ve grown so much as a writer these past few years. That once you finish a couple more drafts you’ll be ready to query your polished manuscript.

Self-judgment is that hill we’ve got to climb over before we can accept someone else’s judgment. Judgment of who we are. What we write. What we wrote a few years ago. What we’ve not yet written. And this acceptance can take various forms. Acceptance can mean that we agree that we aren’t cut out to be writers. We accept we love to read but haven’t become better at our craft. That it will remain a hobby. Or acceptance can mean that we speak out that we’re not hiding behind our writing. That our friend was simply wrong. That writing is vital to who we are. It makes us who we are. Our acceptance can help us deal with the judgment and move on.  It can help us heal the dents to our self-esteem; move beyond self-judgment and continue to write, work on our craft and strive to become who we want to be.

When I remember (and nine out of ten times I don’t) I tell myself that judgment is an opinion. One person’s opinion. It can bring you down or you can use it propel yourself forward on that journey to become a better you and a better writer.

Time and Patience

At the start of 2012 I had three manuscripts needing tending to and I hoped to have at least two of them out on submission to agents by the end of the year. I have had to change those plans as only one manuscript will be out by 2013. One of the other manuscripts I had planned to have out on query rounds was last year's NaNoWriMo project. It has been in the works a long time and taken different turns a couple of times.

I first had the idea for the manuscript in January of 2011. It took all I had to do some research and work the characters out in my head. I had to force myself not to sit down and write the rough draft right away. It was not ready. I was not ready. No matter how much I told myself I knew what the story was about and where it was going to end up, I never felt that it was quite there yet. So, I forced myself to be patient and wait until November. After all that was my original goal, use it as my NaNo project.

In September I had an epiphany of sorts. The story I had been planning all along was not where my characters needed to go. It was not their story. So, I sat down and worked it all out on paper. At this point I was nearing the deadline to have my notes and outline ready. I finished my outline and notes on Halloween, just in time. By the end of November I was thrilled with the outcome of my manuscript and could not wait to get back to it and edit. I had a few ideas on what to change in order to make it better. Yet, I knew I needed to put some distance and time between the rough draft and editing.

My plan was to be back to editing it this summer. Once again, I knew it was not time. When I sat down to edit, I was not ready. The story was not there in my mind like I had hoped it would be. There was something wrong with it and I had no idea where that problem was. So, I went back to a different project and worked on it all summer.

Courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

While editing this other project I found myself reading an intriguing article in Astronomy Magazine. It had absolutely nothing to do with any of my projects, yet everything to do with one in particular. I mulled over the idea of changing my NaNo project, yet again. This time to fit the parameters of a science fiction novel, rather than a dystopian as the rough draft is written.

It has been almost two years since I first had the idea and it this manuscript has driven me crazy at times. Yet, I know that by giving this project time I have had the opportunity to really delve into the world and the characters better. I have had time to mull over the world the characters live in and ask myself many questions. I have had time to research different aspects of a world I hope to share with others.

It has taken a lot of patience not to delve right in and make the changes without first knowing the world and characters inside and out. Now, nearing NaNoWriMo time again, I am finally feeling ready to work on it again and share it with my CPs in the new year as I edit it.

Do you give yourself time between edits? Do you force yourself to be patient while the story and characters evolve? Or do you delve right in?